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On Hope

by James Tutson

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1.
Good News 04:28
I’ve been feeling a little cluttered Like my thoughts don’t fit the space Every word I never uttered Getting restless in its place I could use a little purging Take some pressure off the doors Something soulfully re-burgeoning Something stirring in the core So give me that news Give me that good news I’ve been feeling a little tired Like my body’s old and worn Sitting chewing on my fingernails ‘Til the flesh around is torn Need some new life in these legs Need a new sound Clear the old webs from my head, now, right now I ain’t finished yet, I ain’t erased this debt For all the sleep I lose, I need more good news Oh no I ain’t quite done, I gotta get me some For every unhealed bruise, I need more good news It ain’t over now, I gotta get bold somehow If it’s gonna be courage I choose, I’m gonna need more good news I ain’t at my end, I gotta feel whole again I gotta get a will to move, I’m gonna need more good news Give me that news, Give me that news, give me that good news
2.
I am waking, I am sleeping, I am grieving, with the news Yet another solemn meeting in the hallows of the pews Salty water, sweet communion, stillness stale as chapel bread Only the hopeless, the expectant and the dead In my aging I am losing all my bloodlust for my health Every wound I once would give you now a wound within myself May we never in our quarrels be unyielding or unsaid Only the hopeless the expectant and the dead I am music, I am soul, though I’m magic I am real I am rising reimagined, reignited, re-appealed No don’t put my fire to sleep don’t put my history to bed Only the hopeless the expectant and the dead In the morning, I am retching, we are losing more than lives We are keeping buds from blooming, oh the weeds are thick and high I am wounded, I am reeling, but I am nowhere near destroyed I won’t take on inhibition, I won’t give away my joy And I decline your invitation, to take no pathway make no tread Only the hopeless, only the hopeless Only the hopeless, the expectant, and the dead
3.
I see your palisades have crumbled down I can barely take the sight And here inglorious I see you now Battling dark and light I know how blessed I am to see you weak That beauty loud and real My soul may finally see your soul complete On this holy ground we feel I don’t know what you came to do but, I came hoping you’d Cast off your cares and lace up your shoes and, show me something If you made other plans, you won’t need them Demands on demands, we won’t feed them So dance sister dance, like you got the freedom to dance Cause you got the freedom to dance Oh you fought for love you fought in vain, it left your spirit burned Darling the love you sought was loss to gain, that fondness needing earned Now in courage you have opened palms, I got your swift reward Oh darling I don’t carry any alms, but now my soul will see your soul adored Now we all got weight, we just carrying around Well tomorrow we might break, but tonight, we gon’ break this down
4.
I know you mean me well, so you say, so you say But you know you kill me dear, to draw that line, but give me time So what I waste ‘til you’re mine, waiting time, for dated wine I’ve had my fill of drink cheap and new, give me you Don’t you want my love and affection dear I want to give you it all Don’t you need my love and affection dear, what’s all this waiting for I’ve had enough of hands touched my chance, sidelong glance While I hold my breath and tongue, cursed to choke, bust a lung I see you stacked up, bowed up, brightly wrapped up like it’s Christmas Eve I’d see your wrappings torn, haste the morn, when Lord is born
5.
Burden, could you be more in my chest Pilfering every semblance of rest with my breath You masterful mason, walls out of air Closing the gap ‘tween my soul and despair, soul and despair Burden, could you be more in my mind Pondering you every bit of the time I can find We are but lovers, sad to have wed Wedged by resentment but sharing a bed, sharing a bed No more resistance, bone grinding bone I can’t take anymore steps on my own, ‘neath your load Oh burden, could you be more in my heart Have I been destined for you from the start, from the start Try as I might, plead though I plead No less a part than the blood that I, no less a part than the blood that I No less a part than the blood that I bleed are you of me Are you of me Are you of me?
6.
My light don’t make no sound, it gets brighter when the sun goes down More glaring in the dead of dark, you won’t ever see a sight so stark Go on love me, love me ‘til it’s gone My light don’t make no peep, but it wakes me when I’m fast asleep It bids me to come back to, reminds me that there’s more to do Go on love me, love me ‘til it’s gone Won’t you, love me with a bathing light Like you, trying to find the fear I hide For to, break it like the coming dawn Go on love me, love me ‘til it’s gone My light don’t raise no voice, you can see it in spite of this noise It don’t need to insist on it’s way, sun need only exist to make day Go on love me, love me ‘til it’s gone Now my light don’t speak no word, but ain’t never one to go unheard It’s resonance strong and sweet, we all humming on the frequency Go on love me, love me ‘til it’s gone Go on love me, go on love me ‘til it’s gone
7.
Second assurance blessings afresh I hear you’re overflowing, well I’m empty yet Come on do better, give me my due Wasting my vigor working for you Now how do I know, if I’m good anymore Watching and waiting, looking around Like I’ve been upstanding and you let me down Farce is a fixture, fiction holds fast Fast to forget you, first shall be last
8.
We were a rolling thunder No one could see us bonded strong But I know they heard us rumbling We shook the earth they’re standing on You said Ooo don’t leave me now Ooo don’t leave me now I may be born to have you My parents’ blood a funded trust My brothers and my sisters Our spoiled hearts were threat to bust I have myself to blame then Now that I loosed my grip on you Will you in turn release me Lord knows I’d plummet if you do, Lord knows I’d plummet if you do
9.
Can't 04:17
This discontentment is a bane and it may as well be sin Cause it lusts as lucid in the day as whenever lights go dim It breeds depression hard to bind but it’s harder not to start Cause it’s slow and steady in your mind and then quick to reach your heart I might want to but I can’t quit yet Don’t know what I’m gonna do but I can’t quit yet We often see each other plain ‘cause we often see ourselves We put our brokenness away and our glories on the shelves Our failures nowhere to be shown, what of our empathy? Unused and little even known, gang way for vanity I can’t quit yet
10.
On Hope 05:28
Sometimes I think that I’m best alone if I’m rarely lonely I must be free No need to see but that of my own, then I look at you like slavery Sometimes I know I am self obsessed, I think of myself every time I think The larger I loom in my narrow mind, the smaller my joy begins to shrink Oh dry reservoirs, oh no deep as they are Oh no more face to save I am running running on hope Sometimes I don’t follow through well I’m not the best in the worst of days I always had a heart that just quits, I mind that can wander far away Sometimes I ponder future regrets, what will I wish I would’ve done Down in my soul, deep sorrow sets, a decade’s remorse already done Just so you know once you have hope you can’t help but hold on

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released September 15, 2017

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